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I woke up this morning with “dying” on my mind. Before you worry about me, please know that I am OK. I swim 3 times a week at the YMCA, and drive my hand-controlled car to get there. I’m an active participant in many programs at my senior residence.

But, my recent  Cat Scan detected something in my lung (my doctors and I have been watching this for several years;   the biopsy continues to turn up nothing to worry about). Arranging to get to my 6:30 AM hospital appointment is almost worse than the procedure.

At 85, I’ve had a good life.  And, I’d like for it to end well. The problem is that it’s not so easy in our current society to find folks who are willing to engage in the conversation about how to craft a meaningful  end-of-life journey.   I believe that a “good death” is possible. For myself and other solo agers like me, it will take preparation, support, and dialogue with interested others.

Not too long ago,  death for me  was a more abstract  and less personal issue.  I remember my own initiation 9 years ago when I dared to propose a new program for discussion at the local senior center:   “What’s a good death and how can I have one?” I found my courage, took the leap and inaugurated this new 3-session offering.   Surprise!   It was our most well attended series. Although at that time I didn’t feel that I had any particular expertise to offer,  what I did have was the ability to create a space for honest explorations where we could share our questions, answers and fears.  We all learned from each other.

Now, 9 years later, I just enrolled in a book club zoom discussion on Achieving A Good Death:  A Practical Guide to the End of Life, by Chris Palmer.  In our first organizing meeting, I was pleased to discover that our newly forming group included “death doulas”, supporters of “Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking,” caregivers and hospice volunteers, discussion leaders of all kinds, and some novices. What we all seem to want was a safe place to a) clarify  the elements of the “good death” we wish for and b) learn how to raise these  discussions with family, friends, and our communities. 

Like any major personal or professional goal throughout our lives, creating what we want takes clarity of intention, bravery, and conversation with both family and friends.   Given that my current goal is to die at home, rather than a nursing home or hospital, I better start thinking about how to make that happen. 

I’ll keep you posted.

This week I complete my 85^th year on the planet.  I love that my birthdays always inaugurate  the New Year and thus not only promote, but deepen my reflections. As I review the contents of my closets and files getting ready for 2025,  I notice something new floating in— an awareness of my diminishing number of remaining days, and the two choices I have for my “stuff”.

Who was Aunt Martha Anyway?  What of my old writings do I want to turn into a memoir that shares with others  my unique journey on the planet?   What doesn’t Aunt Martha need anymore?   What parts of my existence are ready for trash, recycling, or gifts to others?

I’m a person who reflects….and each several years the questions that my soul offers  become less abstract and more personal.    From “What do I want to do in life? to “What do I most want to do during these my remaining days?”   From “What’s a good death?”  to “How can I Iocate the end-of-life caretaking services this solo-ager may need?”  And the newest one:  “Shall I actually downsize to a smaller apartment to make it easier on the nieces and nephews who will make the final decisions of what to keep or toss?

Check in with your soul.  As we begin a new year, what important questions are seeking your attention these days?