I woke up this morning with “dying” on my mind. Before you worry about me, please know that I am OK. I swim 3 times a week at the YMCA, and drive my hand-controlled car to get there. I’m an active participant in many programs at my senior residence.
But, my recent Cat Scan detected something in my lung (my doctors and I been watching this for several years; the biopsy continues to turn up nothing to worry about). Arranging to get to my 6:30 AM hospital appointment is almost worse than the procedure.
At 85, I’ve had a good life. And, I’d like for it to end well. The problem is that it’s not so easy in our current society to find folks who are willing to engage in the conversation about how to craft a meaningful end-of-life journey. I believe that a “good death” is possible. For myself and other solo agers like me, it will take preparation, support, and dialogue with interested others.
Not too long ago, death for me was a more abstract and less personal issue. I remember my own initiation 9 years ago when I dared to propose a new program for discussion at the local senior center: “What’s a good death and how can I have one?” I found my courage, took the leap and inaugurated this new 3-session offering. Surprise! It was our most well attended series. Although at that time I didn’t feel that I had any particular expertise to offer, what I did have was the ability to create a space for honest explorations where we could share our questions, answers and fears. We all learned from each other.
Now, 9 years later, I just enrolled in a book club zoom discussion on Achieving A Good Death: A Practical Guide to the End of Life, by Chris Palmer. In our first organizing meeting, I was pleased to discover that our newly forming group included “death doulas”, supporters of “Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking,” caregivers and hospice volunteers, discussion leaders of all kinds, and some novices. What we all seem to want was a safe place to a) clarify the elements of the “good death” we wish for and b) learn how to raise these discussions with family, friends, and our communities.
Like any major personal or professional goal throughout our lives, creating what we want takes clarity of intention, bravery, and conversation with both family and friends. Given that my current goal is to die at home, rather than a nursing home or hospital, I better start thinking about how to make that happen.
I’ll keep you posted.