NEXT CHAPTER QUESTIONS at any age are potent, and they deserve attention . Perhaps you are 40 and thinking about what’s next careerwise. At 50 and 60, you will hear whispers of your mortality and find the issues of retirement, non-retirement, or illness, emerging for yourself, friends, or parents. For example…
- What endings am I starting to fear? And/or transitions I need to inaugurate?
- What’s my yet unlived passion and how can I explore it in a variety of ways?
- How will I be of support to parents who may need care taking?
The period from 50 – 75, has been labeled as a “third chapter” in a book of that title by Harvard professor Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot. Other academics name or date the stages differently. No matter. This unanticipated gift of longevity has prompted a new field of study and is receiving the attention it deserves. At whatever age, questions will come for you and you won’t be able to ignore them. You will note that you have lived more years than you have left to live, and decisions are in order.
While you are likely still active, the notion of “retirement” is dissolving, and you will want something different to do for the next 30+ years that gives you satisfaction. We don’t particularly relish a “retirement” of TV, golf, or lazing around, nor can most of us afford it for all the years that remain. We still have the energy with which to reinvent ourselves, as workers or volunteers, learn something new and to share our gifts and talents in different ways. These are our “bonus” years, or “encore” years, or the years of, as Catherine Bateson suggests, a “second adulthood.” They exist for gaining and share life wisdom, contributing to our community, and most probably, earning some needed income.
Now 84, I find myself in what might be a “fourth chapter”. I’m aware I will die someday, and no longer grace the planet with my presence. I’m beginning to encounter (hopefully consciously) the challenges, lessons, and regrets needing healing, as I reflect on my life. I’m aware of increased vulnerability, a need to soften an intense insistence on independence, and express my grief over increasing losses. This next chapter brings along its own set of questions and challenges.
- What does acceptance of my mortality mean for the way I now want to live the rest of my life?
- What are my current challenges, as I attempt to remain happy and healthy?
- What is it that I need to talk about with myself, parents, children, partners and allies in order to face those challenges?
These post-70 years don’t yet have an agreed upon name among the sociologists or academics. For me, they represent a new phase of adult development, a kind of deeper aging, and along with it growth, wisdom and an opportunity for conscious eldering.
As I look back, I was precisely 74 when it hit me. For the first time, I started viewing my life forward as one of living out my “remaining days.” With that sharp new awareness, I pondered:
- What most matters to me at this point in time?
- What’s the legacy I want to leave behind?
- What must I tackle so as not to leave a mess for those I leave behind?
If you haven’t addressed them before, life’s practical realities and legalities require attention. Get to your doctors with some Advance Directives in case of a serious accident or illness. Appoint a health care agent (proxy) in case you can’t speak for yourself. Engage an elder lawyer to establish a power of attorney, and create a will. If these practical issues are not given attention, your default legacy could be miserable and messy for those you leave behind.
And let’s not forget some of the larger issues that ground quality of life.
- How can I live my “remaining days” in a way that fulfills who I really am?
- What constitutes a good death? And how can I have one?
All of the many questions associated with the journey towards the end of life take time and reflection and certainly more than one chat. Conversation groups are key. As there is no one path for everyone, we create our own unique path by engaging with these questions with equally committed others. With the goal to find the answers that will work for us, everyone teaches, and everyone learns.
More and more you will find these kinds of conversations and support groups variously offered at churches, libraries, senior centers and the community colleges. Look around. Remember that you are on your own unique life journey. Everyone sees it differently.
Who knows what will be next? For me I feel like I’m looking ahead to a “fifth chapter” of active and enlightened dying and a preparation for death with dignity. As the Boomer Generation approaches 80, so do the increasing number of organizations which support aging adults to find answers to their questions. The internet is a great source for guidance and resources. Stay tuned. These conversations and contemplations are difficult AND necessary.
Fortunately I had a Mom who spent 15 years insisting on not leaving a mess. Her unexpected death at 89 was a blessing. Her grateful children had little to do but celebrate her life. That’s my model.